“Don’t you ever wear make up?” she asked. I turned my face towards her to analyze her face. She wore full eye make up, what we in the girl world term as smoky eyes, the lid of her eye so dark yet shimmery in the light. Her cheekbone scattered with specks of black, probably made by loose eye shadow and her brows coloured in brown, in a crayon like drawn on curve. Mascara curled her lashes, and the color of her eyes – navy – so surreal and doll like. To complement her look, she painted her lips a bright red and her cheeks an outstanding shade of pink. There was nothing pretty about her make-up. It gave off more a wild-child look, especially with her red-brown colored, curly hair. She knew she couldn’t be tamed.
I was facing someone I could never be. I didn’t aspire to be; yet a part of me admired her. Unlike wild child, I put on a naked face. The only make-up like substance I had on that night was probably moisturizer, to smoothen my usually dry face. My lips probably parched too. In a way, I felt a little shame because of my lack of effort to look “presentable”.
It wasn’t just her. Many have asked. Friends, family and even guys I’ve dated. I’d state in my defense that I don’t really like make-up, or basically because I’m lazy. But truth be told, I’ve had days where I put on a bright shade of red lipstick only to step out the door and use my hand to wipe it away. I wasn’t confident like wild child. I felt anxious thinking that I’d look weird or be standing out in an unusual way.
It reminds me of this one time back in Burma. I was modeling posing for this clothing line. It was my first time with full on make up. Instead of feeling beautiful, I felt fugly. I was super uncomfortable and every time the idiot photographer told me to strike a pose, I felt like a loser being put in the spotlight. Worse when the pictures did come out in the newspaper, the “loser being put in the spotlight” statement pretty much came true. That was the very start and end of my so-called modeling career.
I suppose, my five-minute of fame squashed my self-esteem when it comes to wearing heavy make-up. Light make-up I can still do. A thin line of eyeliner, a bit of mascara and a sheer layer of blush is still in my comfort zone. Anything else that’s outstanding, I can’t do. I still get nervous when a person points out that I’m wearing make-up. It makes me very self-conscious.
But who knows. I’m all about getting out of my comfort zone. So maybe one day, I’ll be wild child. Just for a day.