To the best friend I never had

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, reader. Yes, you who is going over this very sentence, reading word for word, slightly eager to know what I’m going to tell you next, and slightly annoyed that I’m wasting time and not getting to the point.

Okay. So this post is going to be honest. Honest in a way where I’ll let my emotions run its course. Something I haven’t really done in a long while – because I’ve been focused on thinking logically.

Logic is great – in the business world. It gets you focused on your goals and it gets you to react to situations in a reasoned way. Your vision isn’t blurred by anger or any sort of infatuation. You see things crystal clear for what it is – nothing more, nothing less.

So here is the truth. To be honest, people surround me every day but I’ve never felt this lonely. My job requires me to talk to nearly a hundred strangers daily. Getting into sometimes-meaningful conversations, other times just simple and meaningless one.

My family is there, but I’m feeling detached. I don’t have the energy to push that extra mile to talk about work, especially on a rough day. The thing is, they know me too much and they care. The fact that they care makes me want to distance myself away. I don’t want that burden for them, because at the end of it all, if they know less, they won’t worry as much. See how much reasoning I’m doing, the logic powering over my emotions, again.

My social life is pretty limited too. Everyone has their own thing to do and with my schedule it’s so hard to meet up with friends. It’s a weird thirst I have – a longing for friendship, a companion that I can really rely on. I think it’s the result of moving around too much. 

Its like those days when people ask who you’re best friend is, and really you don’t have anyone in mind. Like who the fuck is my best friend? Nobody, and you go on trying to justify it with a reason that you’re not the type to have a best friend because you get along with every bloody person on planet earth and so you substitute best to close friends. I know. It sounds childish, but it’s the truth and when people talk about their relationship with their best friends, I can dig deep and say that I am frigging jealous.

Usually it doesn’t bother me but, if I think back to the shittiest periods of life, having a best friend would have saved me plenty. There have been moments where it felt like it was near the end of the world, and it would have been great to have that person to confide to. Someone whom doesn’t make you feel like a burden, someone outside that family circle that you can share things comfortably and more importantly someone who won’t judge you for your circumstances. Honestly, I wish I had a best friend and I really envy those that do.

So to the best friend I never had, 

I imagine you to be a kind thoughtful person that loves me, even after all the things I went through. You know every part of me and have learnt the best and worst of a silly girl who smiles so hard constantly. You know when a smile is forced, you know when its not. It would have been nice to have you around. 

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2 thoughts on “To the best friend I never had

  1. Michael Genford says:

    Hi Khine!

    Here’s an exercise for you.

    Go stand in front of a mirror and recite that last paragraph you wrote above to who you see in the mirror.

    Silly, I know. But do it.

    Really. You should do it.

    And then listen to your words as you speak them. Take them into your heart.

    You are (and should be) your own best friend. I know that doesn’t replace an actual, other person sitting next to you, but it’s a mind-state.

    Take time to focus more on your happiness rather than on your family’s, or what they would or would not say to you if you express your thoughts. Don’t focus on what others have that you don’t have.

    Happiness should flourish from within. It truly is a solitary activity that we purposely bring on ourselves. Only once it’s cultivated can we share that happiness with others. And once cultivated within, we draw others to us because of our own happiness.

    Anything external to us that brings us happiness is fleeting. It’s not permanent. It can leave us as quickly as it came. It truly is a mirage. The only permanent happiness there is lies within.

    You are a miracle, you know. Every living thing is a miracle. Start with that and go from there. Build upon that only the positives in your life, and you’ll most definitely see the happiness within you flourish.

    If you wish, consider it a challenge. 🙂

    Be well Khine.

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