Confessions of a noob driver

Here are 10 ways to tell if you’re a noobie driver, according to my experience.

1. No radio. Noob drivers pay 199 per cent concentration on the road to try and avoid blunders. That means no sing a longs that can distract your concentration and no sing a longs that could distract others driving. Duh!

2. Driving at granny speed. Okay. So high chances your more experienced grandma can drive faster than you. But so what? Noob drivers like to keep things slow. Even if the sign says 30mph, we take it easy and go at a 20 (this is against the law btw).

3. You let the squirrel in the middle of the road judge you. Yes and all while it eats an apple. The squirrel doesn’t move, you drive around it instead. tsk tsk tsk.

4. You get called BITCH by an asshole pedestrian who runs across the street all of a sudden (FYI worse than the average jaywalker). The bastard should have been thankful for braking hard and saving his ass, instead he opted for cussing. And of course you don’t manage to retaliate and flip the bird at him because you’re left in complete noob driver shock. The law in Seattle is “pedestrians have the right of way” and the number of people who abuse it is frightening.

5. You drive with the hand brake down for a whole two minutes without realizing the car is moving with difficulty.

6. Your first round-about experience caused your dad to scream “twar bi! twar bi!” (english translation – done for! done for! if im not wrong) because you stepped the gas and mounted the curb, serving a just near miss with a fire hydrant. Your reaction through this traumatizing ordeal is having an unstoppable fit of hysterical laughing all while crying at the same time. Talk about a nervous breakdown.

7. You drive on the wrong side of the road and other drivers actually stop, without cussing to let you work things out. Clearly they see noob written across your forehead.

8. You put the right signal on, while changing into the left lane. Luckily the pro drivers behind you reacted fast. Major danger noobie!

9. You’re so tense that every time your’e on the wheel, your palms get sweaty and your right thigh feels like they’re about to cramp (Note to self – do some yoga before driving).

10. You look for the easy parking that’s further away, even though there’s plenty of empty lots closer to the venue. Problem is these lots have IMPOSSIBLE labelled (in your mind). I mean how the duck do people get their cars nicely fitted between those tiny spaces mehn?!

So these are my top 10 experiences. As you can see while I’m a noob while driving on the road, I’m a very good camwhore in the car, even if its going at 200mph.

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